Today was a tough one...

Tonight was the first time in awhile that I broke down and really sobbed about everything. The injections went horribly this evening. My poor husband much braver than I who is doing the absolutely best he can do and I am convinced better than I can do takes it on himself I know. We wait to do the injections right before she will need to eat because I figure the feeding will comfort her after. However that means that sometimes she is already crying before we even stick her and for those of you who have heard my dear little Sophie cry its not a girlie cry, the girl can scream. And when she is crying she does larger breaths, which means great big lung excursions expanding and contracting while Craig is trying to hold still and inject. And for some reason tonight TWO times the needle was in and the fluid wouldn't go in so on the back he ended up poking her 4 times and she was bleeding and the needle I swore almost snapped off inside her because its so small and she was wiggling so much. Meanwhile our whirlwind 3 year old was circling around wanting to alcohol swab Sophie or give her her binky to "help". And I am blabbering instructions to Craig the whole time not because I am trying to criticize (I make sure he knows that, I tell him a hundred times what a good job he is doing) but because I feel helpless. Now picture 2 min after this drama and all four of us are on Grace's bed (Sadie would be up there too if it weren't for all the stuffed animals there is no room), Sophie is happily nursing as though nothing happened and all is well with her world, Craig is reading us all library books and our family PRINCESS devotional while I brush the pile of wet snarls on Grace's head. Somewhere between the third and fourth story I am reduced to a blubbering pile of tears. I am sad and angry. I am so mad that she has to go through this, that I can't protect her from it, that on top of having to poke her, her skin is going to get all big and stretched, and I, her mother am going to struggle to hold her and comfort her. And then she will have to have surgery upon surgery upon surgery. Even now several hours later when I thought I was calmed down I am crying again. I know in my heart I need to be grateful that she is ok and we will all get through this. There are people hurting far worse than this and I have no right to complain. But tonight I don't feel so hopeful. "I lift my eyes up to the hills - where does my help come from. My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth" Psalm 121. Please pray.