Unfrozen

This winter was all about Frozen; the smash hit Disney movie, the feet and feet of snow.... But now the signs of Spring are all around us, and as the ground becomes unfrozen we need to unfreeze time and begin again with another round of surgeries for Sophie.

 

 I am awesome about being brave. About acting like it doesn't phase me.  We have been here before 2, 3, 7, 10, 11 times before.  It's so exhausting.  And we haven't even begun.  I know we don't HAVE to do it again.  We, her parents, could decide to stop.  But then I would be making the selfish decision.  It's hard for me.  It's emotional for me.  I don't want to do it, so I could stop.  But isn't part of my parental sacrifice making the tough decisions?  Sophie is so sweet, she told my mom the other day, "I'm not too worried about surgery, but my Mom is, she is really worried about it." Guess I am not as good as I thought about acting brave and pretending it doesn't phase me.  The hard truth is that while we have removed over half of her original nevus the half that remains gets harder and harder to get to.  The issues we had with the last surgery dealing with the blood supply get worse each time, it is hard for the surgeon to feed blood down to the new skin when there is a maze of scars along her body.  I would have thought by now I would be all cried out about this issue.  But a new batch of tears can always sting your eyes when you least expect it.  I could write pages upon pages of how God is so good and has delivered us time and time again through these hard times and yet the ache is still there.  "I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, the God of angel armies, is always by my side." I know this.  I do.  Then why the anxiousness?  I recently had the chance to briefly visit with a couple who had a profound effect on me in my formative years, my youth pastor and his wife, having only seem them 2-3 times in the last 20 years (wow, that makes me feel old!) it made me reflect on the time growing up when they made such a difference in my life.  It made me think about how every experience shapes us.  How every choice we make directs our path.  How our good and gracious God gives us the freedom to make those choices, even the ones we may deem later, mistakes.  I know there are people far braver than I.  Mothers whose babies have cancer.  Mothers who can't feed their children.  Mothers who don't know in a real and personal way the God of love upon whom they can cling to in their desperate moments.  My heart aches for them like it does for my Sophie.  I had just meant to pass along the surgery details and ask for prayer just as I have a dozen other times....I guess my heart had more to say.  Her surgery is a week from today, Friday April 18 at approx 9:30 am.  Next Friday is also Good Friday.  It is comforting to remember, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weakness, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are -- yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16.  Even Jesus himself, our high priest, tempted with doubts and fears in the Garden of Gethsemane cried out for God to "take this cup away from him" but in the very next breath, in full submission, "not my will, but yours be done." Is that not my cry?  To allow God to have his will worked out in our lives.  My faith tells me that the surgery date is not a coincidence.  It is a loving reminder of a big God, God the Father, who wants me to remember, HE KNOWS.  He sent His son to die, for me.  He knows.  Whenever I used to cry when I was little, without even saying what was wrong my Mom would pull me into her lap for an embrace and murmur, "Momma knows."  Now the God of the universe, wraps me in His loving arms and softly whispers "Papa, Abba, knows."  As always we covet your prayers, before, during and after. Thank you.