Well today we got the much awaited letter telling me when the next surgery is scheduled. When at the Drs he asked if I had any scheduling issues and I said I didn't want it before Mothers Day (because she is being dedicated at church) and so he scheduled it right after on Wed the 13th. So here we go again, another round of dermabrasions. I have a much better idea of what to expect and perhaps that will make us better equipped to handle it but literally I have not emotionally recovered from last time and I am not sure I am ready to do it again. I am so tired of being brave and going through the motions day in day out acting like I am living some sort of normal life. There is no normal for me, I feel like I am holding my breath under water waiting for the end of all these surgeries and the removal of the mole so I can look at my baby and say "ok, this is what we are going to be dealing with" and I can finally exhale. What a way to spend your daughters first year of life, waiting for it to be over. And then these feelings lead to feelings of guilt, like on top of this dumb mole she has a mom who still has a hard time looking at her body and not feeling sick that this is happening and wishing it all away. And I get so angry sometimes, I feel mad when I see people with their beautiful perfect babies and I literally feel mad, sometimes I have to fake happiness for people and their new babies. This is the most shameful, horrifying feelings and why I am admitting them to all the world I don't know but this is my therapeutic outlet and most times when people say "How are you?" its much easier to lie and say fine because they don't generally really want to hear all of this anyways! I just read the Mistaken Identity book today about the Van Ryn/Cerak switch (if you don't know what I am talking about come out from under your rock and google it :) !) and I am amazed and humbled by their story every time I hear it. Their use of the blog to update everyone of Whitneys progress during that ordeal was partly where I got the idea for this although I in no way liken my experience to what those two families went through. But the book left me feeling so ashamed. They were able to take this horrible experience and use it to lift up the name of Jesus Christ. There wasn't a question that Matt Lauer could throw at either family on NBC where they wouldn't bring it around back to God. And here I am struggling through this hard thing and seeing God work yet being bogged down with these awful feelings. I know He is here and I can rattle off dozens of answered prayers and times I have seen him at work and yet I have never felt more alone in my whole life than I have these last few months. Last Friday I actually managed to get myself to the Dr (after several weeks of being sick but never having time) and the nurse actually commented to me about having a break from my kids. I didn't know if I should smack her or hug her for recognizing that only times I have done anything without my kids since last Nov was to go to work or the grocery store or this appt. Thats my Break! A Dr. Appt.! I am really frustrated with where I am at emotionally these days, and reading that book helped a lot but my main request leading up to surgery is peace. I don't ever have peace in my heart. God is so good. I know he will carry me when I grow weary. Also we need a blanket of healing over our house as all three girls are currently on antibiotics and the illnesses are not helping my emotional stability either. Thats all, I will post times and specifics again a couple days prior to surgery. Thanks for listening and letting me get stuff out. Try not to worry, just pray. Amanda

Just because

Hello its me AGAIN! The giggle video was a big hit so I just wanted to post these two videos because they a.) are super cute b.) show how smitten Sophie is with Grace (Craig and I think it looks like she is trying to imitate her dancing) c.) summarize my main form of entertainment these days and d.) because I can. Enjoy, especially the Grandparents.

Quick Update

I trust you all had a Happy Easter, weren't my girls beautiful! Not bad considering Dad was in charge (I had to work at the hospital!) I went to the surgeons today and had a few updates to share. He is so pleased with the balloons he wants to leave them in for another 2-3 months! Wow that surprised me. I was kind of looking forward to them coming out soon but I am also glad that he thinks they can get that much out of this round. He is also so pleased with the dermabrasion that he wants to do another round before the balloons come out. So he will be sending a letter soon as to when that will be. Finally he did indicate that he thinks that the satellite moles usually stop around one year. Its nice to know an estimate since he is not big into projections. So I will let everyone know when the next dermabrasion is. Obviously we will need lots of prayers again because the aftermath is not super fun but I also see constant answers to prayer which is wonderful! Love to all, Amanda