Faithful and True

I was sitting in the parking lot to pick up Grace today and this song came on.  I had to pinch myself to keep from weeping because I wasn't quite sure how that would look to the safety walking Grace to the car.  It's an old one with below average audio quality but still very powerful!

Faithful and true indeed!!!
Sophie's surgery went off without a hitch.  Long? Yes.  Exhausting for us? Definitely.  Has she been in some pain? Of course.  But she is such a trooper.  We literally feel as though we can sit slack jawed and marvel and God's grace and mercy.  She went through a nearly 7 hr surgery and woke up and asked me if we could read a book.  In the first 24 hrs she only officially cried once when they were taking out her IV.  Stupid tape.  I was sitting in the hospital holding her and I had a quiet moment of reflection.  I remembered that day in early December 2008 when I was in uncharted territory holding my 2 week old infant who had major surgery came out of it and literally cried for hours and hours slowly fading into a gasping hiccup with a little shudder.  I can remember the darkness of that moment like it was yesterday and hardly believe that as a Mother you can survive experiences like that with a newborn baby.  But I truly believe that we have just been being continuously refined by fire, all of us.  Sophie, I hope and pray, will grow to recognize the incredible strength in herself as she has endured some of the worst parts of life at a young age and is an extremely happy spunky kid despite of it.  He has been chiseling away at mine and Craig's character as well.  Thank you Lord. 

Yesterday was another one of the surgery hurdles, the first dressing change.  I was going to take pictures but it was a little tough for me to process, assist with changing dressings, comfort Sophie and there was nothing left of me to take pics.  I don't think I was ready to anyways.  I find that with each surgery there is a little shock at the realization that we never get as much as I want because I want to get it all! That she now has giant thick incisions in place of mole.  It all seems so obvious but you still get that bottom dropping out of your stomach feeling at first glance.  Yesterday I think bandage change was as hard for me as it was for Sophie.  I waited till I put her down for a nap and then I had myself a good cry.  I knew that  it wasn't just in my head when Craig went up to the medical supply place to get an alternative product and the woman who has been helping us for years came and begged Craig to bring the girls in soon and even remembered Gracie's name.  Then the man who had filled today's order came running over and said "When I saw the calculated length of the incisions on your little two year old's body, which is how we determine the quantity of supplies to give, I was shocked.  Bless your little girls heart"  I guess it really is a lot for such a little peanut.  I think it would be a lot for some of you to handle so I will spare you. I am praying that she heals quickly and that the Dr will pull the drains on Monday so that we can get back to normal living.  She is moving gingerly but we have been going without codeine for almost 24 hrs now so hopefully we are progressing right along. 

Each part of this surgery has been tangibly covered in prayer, we are definitely feeling it so thank you thank you so so much. We have received such a wide range of love; hospital visits, meals, gifts for the kids, video love, I could go on and on and on! Thank you. You always have a way of making such a difficult week so much easier. I am filled with gratitude.

Here is a couple of pics of my brave girl sitting so still at the beginning of her bandage change.  Some things are so much easier for her now that she can talk both at the hospital and here she is always careful to ask "Is this going to owwie me?" I felt bad because I knew this was so I just answered honestly that we were going to try really hard not to.  We didn't quite succeed when we got to the leg the tape was the worst part and she was so SO brave.  There were tears but there was candy corn in my pocket.  There was an instinct to flee but there were Grandma's hands to hold on to tightly.  There was a new nurse in our house inflicting pain on her but she was covered in beautiful sparkly jewelry that had her intrigued.  The final surgical hurdle is getting the drains out (praying for Monday!!!) and it is all smooth sailing and healing from there.  Again thank you so incredibly much for all your prayers.   I felt like we spent the last 4 days lying at the alter of grace and peace and God has mercifully lavished it upon us!!! Thanks!

So cute, don't you think the Tigers should win the world series just for her? I do, just sayin'!

I was blessed and honored to be a part of a special service at church this morning paying tribute to the holiness of God.  Tomorrow is preparation day for our family.  One of the songs that was sung in today's service seemed exceedingly poignant with me today. 
Here are the lyrics or click the link to enjoy the entire song:

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
And without you I fall apart
Your the one that guides my heart

Lord I need you, oh I need you
Every hour I need you
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God how I need you

Where sin runs deep your grace is more
Where grace is found is where you are
And where you are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where you are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord I need you oh I need you
Every hour I need you
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need you

So teach my song to rise to you
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on you
Jesus you're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on you

Jesus you're my hope and stay

Lord I need you oh I need you
Every hour I need you
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God how I need you

Lord I need you oh I need you
Every hour I need you
My one defense my righteousness
Oh God how I need you!

Father God I come to you as a broken and humble Momma who offers her daughter up to you time and time again to hold in your loving hands.  She is flesh of my flesh and as close to me as my heartbeat.  I feel her pain as if the surgeon's scalpel was slicing a wound in my own soul.   You know I would lay myself down in her place if I could.  That's what we do as parents, we taken an unspoken vow to protect our children from harm as much as it is in our power and their best interest to do so.  But this has always been out of my hands.  And safely in yours where it belongs.  I have been thinking a lot lately about the Samaritan women.  Broken in her sin.  A whisper away from falling into your arms, broken and spilled out.  And whisper you did. “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” Oh how we thirst Lord.  I sing the words to the song above and I feel them everywhere in my body, they pound in my heart, they roar in my ears, they taste as vinegar on my tongue, they shoot like hot lightning thru my flesh, Lord I need you, Oh I need you, every hour I need you!   This experience, watching helplessly as my child has experienced pain again and again and again over the last three years has made me thirsty and calling out to you in my own barren desert.  If I do not crawl on my hands and knees to you in that desert, the gritty sand tearing wounds in my knees that match the wounds in my heart then I will not receive the drink that satisfies, the drink that will save my life.

Whatever my family has faced I have always tried to say God is good.  Your faithfulness to us has been the biggest gift for us as broken and undeserving people.  That is why I write these words. Not to say "Woe is me, look at how I suffer!" but to say "Glory to God in the Highest, for every time, EVERY TIME, he lifts us up out of our suffering and gives us gifts of peace, rest, comfort, grace, mercy, kindness, humility, and love.  Every time.   He makes our feet like hinds feet and he sets us on the high places.   I pray that I will always always always thirst for my Savior and my King in that way.  I would never have wished for this cross to bear because I would never ever have wished for my baby to suffer in this way.  But I am so abundantly grateful for God's mercy and grace that he has shown us over these last three years.  Other hardships in my life have been masterfully crafted to prepare me for this.  When Sophie was born I called out My God My God WHY have you chosen me to be this baby's Momma? I did not see within myself the strength to weather these storms.  I certainly may have imagined myself to have been living a life of big faith prior to that day.  But I have been refined by fire.   There are times when these trials fade into not even feeling like "trials" they are just part of my life, a huge part granted, but no worse than many horrible things that people all around me are crawling out from underneath like a pile of rubble after a hurricane.  It has become a second identity to me, part of who I am.  I am Sophia's Momma. That is my badge of courage.  Except I am not courageous. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  As I dared to believe that I was becoming an "expert" at all this stuff my ego was humbled as we suffered a literal blow this weak and Sophie has a leaky balloon.  In those first few minutes it felt truly like a crisis.  Maybe even the first few hours. But now I see it as it is, as it always has been, another parched moment in a world where we need to constantly be reminded to thirst, to crave our Father, our Savior to save us.  If we do not remain broken and spilled out.  If we are not an empty vessel.  Than we CANNOT be filled by Him! 

I have been encouraged to pray for my daughter in written form.  I would ask now wherever you are that you bow your head and pray this prayer with me:

Lord Jesus, we need you.  Little Sophia needs you Lord.  As she goes in for another surgery Lord I pray a special annointing on her body.  I pray for a successful surgery.  I pray for wisdom and supreme expertise in the surgeons hand as he maps out the grafting and works to cut away and decrease the risk of my child suffering through the hardships of cancer. Lord I pray for peace that passes all understanding to wash over Craig and I as we wait through her surgery.  I pray for good pain control for my Sophie in the hours and days after surgery.  I pray for a special blessing on her big sister Grace who internalizes big emotions regarding all that she has seen her baby sister go through and shoulders them as her name implies, with grace that far outweighs her age or maturity.  Lord and I pray as always that you would use this broken scarred situation in our family to give glory and honor and praise to you forever and ever.  As the tears stream down my face even now I commit my child into your hands.  Thank you thank you thank you for all you have blessed us with.  May we never cease to honor you with our lives.  Amen. 
Thank you all who read this, who think of us, who pray for us.  May the words I stumble to speak which are but a glimmer of a reflection of all that is welled up in my heart spill over and touch you in your need and your struggle and offer you some of the peace and love and mercy that God our Father so desperately yearns to lavish on all of us who dare to whisper "I too thirst". 
 
Sincerely and honestly,
Amanda

Curveballs!

You all know the phrase; When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Right?? So the other day I read: If life doesn't also hand you sugar and water, than your lemonade is going to suck! 

I thought this was hilarious but so poignant.  Yes you have to make the best out the hand you are dealt but sometimes in our humanness we feel at a loss as though we don't have much to work with! That's when God can swoop in and lay down a Royal Flush for us.  OK so one more analogy...This week I have been thrown a few unexpected curveballs.  But my God is big enough to hit a grand slam homerun, and that is what I am hoping you will pray along with me for that!!  (Let's hope the Detroit Tigers are big enough tonight too, but that is a whole different story!!) 

Monday in Sophie's preop appointment I found out that Sophie's surgery was Tue 10/11 not Wed the 10/12 as we had mistakenly been planning on this whole time.  In my first few moments of panicked dialing to make arrangements to accommodate for this small snafu God provided and everything worked out ok.  There is something about the phrase "My two year old daughter is having her 8th surgery..." that gets a "whatever you need is fine" response from people.  Curveball to homerun!

So I was doing ok, tying up loose ends, planning for food, mother-in-law coming in, etc etc burying myself in "busy work" makes it much easier for me.  Tonight I was planning on sending out this last pre-op notice to you all.  Craig has Parent Teacher Conferences tonight (he was supposed to have them next Tue too so that was the worst of the panicked shuffling) so tonight I am just chilling at home with my girls.  I went upstairs with Sophie to get her pjs on and suddenly noticed her front right balloon is soft and squishy.  Panic! It's supposed to be rock hard like all the rest of them! Curveball!

I paged the surgeon and he confirmed my worst fears, her balloon has most likely sprung a leak.  The saline is completely harmless to her of course but the "risk" is that if the balloon flattens back out her stretched skin can actually shrink back up so he said our assignment between now and Tue is to keep filling it to avoid "shrinkage" (such serious subjects need some comic relief!)  Curveball, huge huge curveball! I couldn't talk to Craig and just the fact that I had thought for two seconds there that Sophie was going to be rushed into surgery tonight I was shaking and starting to cry.  I did what anyone would do. I called my Mom.  She listened like she always did.  She made sympathetic shocked sounds as she took it all on her shoulders as I did mine.  She consoled and comforted.  And then she did the very best thing for me, she prayed. 

With Sophie on my lap I rested my hand gently on the soft squishy balloon as we formed a ring of three generations of Mothers and Daughters loving eachother and wanting to protect the others from harm.  She prayed as I am asking you to join in praying with us that God could create a cushion around that balloon so she would not lose too much of the progress we have made that it would be protected from further harm.  I know that we can still have a homerun because of God! He is able to do immeasurably more than we can hope or imagine after all!  Please pray with me! It's time to blow dust off your buttons! Sophie's Super Supporters, she needs you now!! Here is one of my favorite songs these days, always in my head... 

Her surgery time is most likely around 11, I will keep you posted that day via facebook! I am thankful to all of you.  God has already turned many curveballs into homeruns in the last 3 years.  "My hope is in you Lord, all the day long, I won't be shaken by drought or by storm." All praise and glory to God!!